How can I rebel AND live a virtuous life? 

Devil Walking Away From An Angel The Original 3D Characters Illustration

Please tell me that I’m not the only rebel struggling to rebel in a time when virtuous living is EVERYTHING? 

When I say I’m a rebel, I mean a REBEL. 

I started smoking at 10 years old, I started bunking soon after (you can’t smoke on the school grounds), I smoked weed at 13, got pissed on vodka on a school night out at the Ritzy, Tottenham at 14. I dropped out of school at 15 (yep not one GCSE, fucking wild) and I was dancing in bars for money in Tenerife at the ripe age of 16.

My life today is unrecognisable from my previous years, and it’s because I’ve been learning to love myself. I’ve started to respect my body and propel my worthiness to an almighty height.

Of course self-love and worthiness are essential to us living a wholehearted life, but, it seems I’ve taken it too far, and I’m slowly removing all rebellion from my life. 

I feel lost.

I haven’t had any alcohol since 28th December 2017 (a night that resulted in a 24 hour hangover, and me unable to leave my bed other than to hurl).

I have finally faced my fears and undergone breast reduction to correct a part of my body that I’ve never (and never would have) loved in a bid to fully indulge my newly accepted self-love.

I am eating healthily, drinking 2 Lts of water a day, practising (over 40’s)  yoga, wearing re-usable sanitary protection and recycling like a mother fucker, all while trying to work out a way of how we can rid the world of plastic. 

I’ve started relying heavily on essential oils for ALL aliments, does it work? Who knows but its chemical free so I’ll give it a go. Yesterday saw me making my own oil capsules in a bid to cure my allergies, they taste like floral petrol and when I burp it smells like a diffuser has just been switched on, but I’m holding out hope that they will be the wonder cure that I’ve been searching for. 

I am (almost) a smug glorified soul, next step vegan (jokes, aint ever gonna happen).

But I’m seriously struggling by not being able to flick the bird to the righteous  while hoofing a big mac and sparking up a Benson, the buzz of going against convention is no longer in my life and I need to somehow replace it. 

You see, not only am I a rebel, I’m also an addict. I get addicted really EASILY. I need a new addiction.

When I gave up smoking 8 years ago I swapped fags for pizza, and then I put on a tonne of timber and had to get a hold on that. When I gave up the drink I replaced it with chocolate, and then my skin broke out with some kind of flaky ugliness, so I had to give that up too.

I’ve just had a boiled egg and spinach for my lunch followed by a slightly pretentious ‘Toasted Couscous and Barrel Aged Feta Salad’. I’m sucked into virtuous living but I NEED a new rebellious addiction so I still feel like me? 

My husband (surprisingly) suggested that I might try a sex addiction, bless him, he even offered to help.  Much as I love ya buddy, not sure that’s the thing! Hardly practical trying to score between the school run, the food shop and the dog walks.

In my search for some wild abandonment I have noticed that I seem to be rebelling against positivity? WTF? I've only just found it, I need that shit!

I wake up pissed off, then my inner cheerleader will kick in ‘come on Lauren, let’s do some gratitude’s’. I tell her to do one and feel a hit of recklessness come over me. Of course this means that I’m now rebelling against my own happiness, but it feels oddly good and also, really fucking shit. 

So what do I do? Do I have to hand back my wild card in favour of clean living? Do I have to omit a huge part of who I am to conform to my new life choices? Do I have to become beige? 

I don't have the answers, all I know is that I'm really tempted to give up the search and pour some bloody wine!