I Give Zero Fu*ks About Swears

Profanity neon sign on brick wall background.

Ok, so I swear, I swear……a lot!

I like to swear, it feels rebellious, it feels controversial, it feels somehow, freeing and it’s become a bit like my trade mark, this has been proven 3 times, twice when I went on BBC Essex and once when I spoke at a WI meeting, both occasions started with ‘Welcome Lauren, please don’t swear’.  Much to mine and other peoples surprise I did actually manage to hold them all in as requested (at least we now know it’s not Tourette’s!).

One of the mums from Ace’s (5) school recently asked me after seeing me swearing like a docker at my book launch where Ace was present, if it worries me that Ace hears me swearing? She shared her genuine concern that she worries if her children ever heard her swear then they themselves may get into the habit of dropping F, S, B and heaven forbid C’s at the school gates, and would face a life of drug addiction and dole queues.

I reassured her that I’ve NEVER sworn at him. I’ve never told him to 'fuck off' (out loud) and as I truly don’t feel swears are offensive then no, it doesn’t worry me. If anything I’m teaching him, it’s OK to swear around friends and family, but not on the BBC.

It did get me thinking though, why do I swear so much? Why don’t I attach any emotion or restrictions on it? Was it because I was raised by potty mouths (hinted as a cause by school mum)? Was it because I was dragged up in a real life ‘shameless’ episode?

Nope. I didn’t learn the art of when to use the F word for full effect from my middle class, Tory voting parents, in fact, I called my step-dad a cow once (hardcore) and I got the slipper across my 7 year old ass more than once.

It was not acceptable to throw curse words around in our neighbourhood, no mam!

I always knew how to push the boundaries though, I liked to push boundaries (still do) and through my sheer desperation to cause devastation and (much needed) attention from my strait-laced parents, I thought I’d be clever and challenge the critics. Having learnt a tough (rubber soled slipper tough) lesson with the ‘cow’ insult, I got smart and researched the swears to find one that I could sing freely without repercussions.

This time I called my step-dad a ‘sod’ !

Sod - the surface of the ground, with the grass growing on it; turf.

I remember his face, he was angry, he so desperately wanted to punish me, but with my smart ass definition ready to fire, he knew he couldn’t win it and walked away foaming at the mouth.

As a parent myself now, I can imagine how fucked off I’d be to have duped in such a way by some smart arse kid mugging me off, but as the child, I felt pretty fucking epic I can tell you! 

And if we're gonna do debate on the overuse of profanities, let’s go there and talk about the word c**t. A word that can be used to describe someone lower than a snakes belly, or a word that is the only true description of someone (my abusive Ex was a total c**t). I think it’s fair to say that if you don’t want to be a called a c**t then take the fucking name badge off!

A word that for some reason stands alone as worse than any other swear known to man (and woman obvs) BUT feminists believe this word to be a positive, as, after all, it is a woman’s vagina, and therefore to be called a c**t you must be an incredible contribution to this world, does that mean we are now ‘allowed’ to use the word as a positive description?

I'm still not 100% sure on the rules around cu*t but it is still my fav of all the swears.

I get that swearing is such a personal thing, but, I still love that it makes me feel like that little girl pushing boundaries, AND it’s also seen me through some really dark days where I’ve used it (unknowingly) in a really cathartic way, a release, some way of taking back power.

He was such a fucking cu*t

To be fair, he was, and not in a feminist way.

And yes I know that we have a big enough vocabulary, big enough that we shouldn’t need to resort to such profanities, but, what if we are perfectly aware of how big our vocabulary is BUT still love to say fuck a lot?

Does it mean that I'm an uneducated, foul mouthed low life with nothing to give the world? 

Fuck off does it, I'm fucking fabulous and I have fuck loads to share with this world, it just might always be with a smattering of swears. 

What do you feel about swearing?

Do you swear or does it make you cringe in your boots when you hear people swear?