Yesterday I went to a small network/birthday event with women I'd never met, in a town I'd never been to, but one that I knew to be high in the fashion stakes.
So as usual, with all things like this, my insecurities took center stage and I went a bit to shit.
The night before, I was stressing about what to wear. I needn't have bothered worrying as my insecurities had already stepped up and decided I'd wear a shit outfit that I'd end up feeling totally uncomfortable in, and would ensure that I looked totally out of place!
Now, TBF, it was a pretty inoffensive t-shirt and jeans combo, BUT, not my slightly cooler AND/OR stressed boyfriend cut jeans, nor my trendy (ish) slogan tee. Oh no, my panic and desperate need to fit in chose the Oasis, slim fit, light blue denims that were my post-birth stop gap jeans between maternity and the snapback pair I had planned on buying when I lost my 'baby weight'. I bought those post-birth jeans almost 6 years ago, they are out of shape and yet still a little tight (?) and for some fucking unknown reason to my now sane mind, the ones I chose to wear to a cool Insta worthy event? And to complement my shoddy, fashion behind, heavily worn mum jeans, I didn't opt for my trust, black, hide it all under a current slouchy, slogan Tee, oh no, instead, in my fragile insecure state I chose a tight (not sure it was meant to be tight?) pale grey, outdated slogan tee that further highlighted my incredibly shy muffin top.
Just why does my (albeit already limited) style do a runner everytime I'm going to a public event, yet can (on occasion) be fairly laid back but working on the school run? I am killing it today in the AND/OR denim and a black tee? Why the hell didn't I wear this yesterday? Oh lordy, the regret lays heavy this morning.
My insecurities seem to lie in wait. I can go along merrily just living my best life, feeling OK(ish) on the daily, just casually picking outfits without even thinking of how it may represent me, and being ok with it, but as soon as I am going somewhere new, my insecurities turn up and fuck up.
Poor outfits off the back of poor self-image make for a pretty scary combo and before you know it, you're having post-event regret and hating on yourself for leaving the house in the dodgy ensemble, to attend a sassy event having left your confidence at home, and you need that bastard confidence for when the small talk starts. I can't do small talk.
So I'm stood in a really trendy town, surrounded by really trendy women, in 6-year-old jeans and snug tee, my mum-tum making a bid for freedom with zero small talk to share, and while I had a lovely time, I was dying inside, riddled with 'I'm not good enough'. And of course when I've started to relax into 'well, it couldn't get any worse', a photo hits Insta and I've been tagged in it!
Another opportunity for me to tear myself apart and question what the fuck I had been thinking when I got dressed that morning. FYI I hadn't been thinking, my insecurities made me do it (maybe I should get that on a slogan tee?).
A day on and I'm still full of shame. The shame of what, I don't know, but it feels like the shame of not being cool enough? I'm ok with it, I really am, it's a feeling I'm comfortable with, it's a feeling I've carried a long time BUT, it's not a feeling I choose to sit with for long, so I don't make it a cup of tea, I acknowledge it is there but then fuck it off, pronto.
I know that just as fast as the insecurities come, they leave just as fast too, once the memories of my ill-fitting and out-dated outfit have passed, the shame will subside.
I'm gonna just accept that I'm a little socially inept and that networking things make me feel a little (read, massively) insecure, but that that's ok, I'm ok, I don't need to be good at everything, the world keeps turning and I have a rightful place in it, whatever I'm wearing.
There is one thing I can do to stop the same thing happening again...throw the damn jeans OUT!