I've just sat and watched Harry marry his Meghan, and was I overcome with emotion, an emotion that I hadn't expected.
I've heard so much about Meghan representing colour, America, divorcees, and actors, and I can totally understand why her marriage into the royal family was so important for anyone who fits into the categories that have been flagged, the categories that she unknowingly has become an ambassador for, but I didn't feel connected to her, I didn't feel I had anything in common with her (other than the fact that that I had been married more than once, not something I like to dwell on in my happy third time lucky marriage) and I struggled to get attached like so many around me were?
And so I watched the lead up to the wedding, being overly critical and disconnected. My strong royal commitment to loving all things traditional was struggling with the new order of things, I was a little slow on the 'ready for change' train, I just couldn't connect with her? She's no Kate...
That all changed a few hours ago...she got out of the car...she walked up the steps of St. George's Chapel and into the awaiting crowds and towards her prince, and then it hit me, the tears came, uncontrollable, silent, tears of connection, she did represent me.
She was a woman, walking down an aisle, and she was without her dad.
I have no relationship with my dad, he left when I was 3 and was fairly absent for the rest of my life resulting in me 'cutting him out' to save myself (and my kids) from many more years of him pretending he gave a shit and then disappearing again. Because of this he's not been to any of my weddings, and I have felt the sadness and embarrassment each time. Feelings of not being good enough and of missing out.
Seeing photos of happy smiling brides on the arms of their fathers has always stung, a reminder that that's just not how it is for me, and now, not how it is for Megan, I've felt what she may have been feeling, and I cried.
I cried for me, I cried for her and I cried for every woman who we represent, the princess' walking down the aisle alone.
It was a beautiful wedding and they are clearly so much in love but for me, the lack of family around this poor girl clouded it all with sadness. Her mum sat alone on the opposite side of the chapel to hew daughters new family, showing such dignity and pride, but also seemingly sad, sad that her baby girl now 'belonged' to the monarchy? Sad that she was the only one there for her on such an incredibly important day? (Importance really rises' when you're representing so many others). Sad because she couldn't be the the father on Meghan's arm? We'll probably never know, but I defo felt sadness from Doria and I defo felt sadness for the poor princess taking the biggest walk of her life, alone.