Today I'm feeling totally shite!
I'm now old enough to have noticed a pattern, and I know that my mood is hormonal and will pass, but today, it's here and it's fierce.
I was gonna do a Facebook live into our community group to talk about how I'm feeling but I'm on the verge of tears, and while I'm not adverse to crying on FB, I fear that the emotions will take over and that I won't even be audible. When I'm in this mood, social media becomes a massive trigger and fuels my feelings of inadequacy, I know that it's healthier for me to stay away from it.
So, instead, I'm sharing my feelings here.
I feel fragile and tender, I feel sad and alone, I feel like the whole world is having a wonderful day in the sun, all hanging out together in cool gangs and I'm not worthy or trendy or liked or included. I feel like there's a party going on and I'm the only one who didn't get an invite.
Thankfully I know that these feelings are linked to my PMT and are only around for a few days a month so easier to accept, but imagine if I felt like this ALL THE TIME? What if this was my permanent state of mind?
This kind of headspace doesn't fit in with the perfectly curated and aesthetic world of social media, I see people on Instagram admitting that they don't share the 'ugly' parts of their life for fear of seeming miserable or bringing other people down, so instead they offer up only the fun and the beauty and the happy. I understand why they do it but by having a lack of representation for 'real' life, by not sharing, it only goes on to isolate those who live with the 'ugly'.
This is one of the reasons that I wrote Filter Free. I wanted to give women permission to share their lives unashamedly and unapologetically without worrying about upsetting others happy, to share their real-life challenges in a bid to give other women permission to do the same, to bring some balance between what we see and what we feel, to remind women who feel alone that we are all here having a full life experience right beside her, the good, the bad and often hidden, ugly.
When we put other peoples state of mind above our own, when we worry that our shitty mood will spoil their lovely day, it only goes on to feed our feelings of lack of worth and we become even more isolated in our feelings. Maybe we should also consider, are they really having a lovely day and not instead just putting on a show for fear of upsetting others? Maybe by you sharing your reality you may actually be empowering others to do the same and rather than bring their mood down, you may make them feel more connected and less alone.
Never be scared to share your truths, they do not define you, they are not you, you are not alone.