Dolly Parton once sang "this will be h-e-double-l for me" when she sang about divorce and it kinda sums it up right?
Divorce is a real kicker and one that sadly so many of us feel now (I've managed to rack up two).
It's the end of an era, the end of a friendship, the end of your life as you know it, the end of the whole mother fucking world. You wonder how the fuck you'll come back from it, do you even want to come back from it? Surely it'll be easier to just sit in it and give up on anything else?
You're done in with fighting over money, fighting about who's getting what, and if there's kids involved fighting about who has them when.
It leaves it's toll and a huge part of you dies.
You spend your time post break up in limbo. You may spiral into a self-loathing pit of despair, picking apart every second of your relationship asking how it all went so fucking wrong and blaming yourself. Or, maybe you'll get really angry at the total cunt who done this to you, to your family, to your kids. You may find that your anger spills over causing you to have zero patience with the kids, friends and work colleagues, giving you even more reason to feel even shittier about yourself and the situation you found yourself in. Massive downward spiral.
It wasn't meant to be like this? It was meant to be forever? Happily ever after? How did you end up here? And who have you become?
Now that you’ve survived the break-up, in time, you can start to re-connect with you.
That relationship has gone, but my darling, YOU haven't.
The old you is still in there. The trusting you, the lovable you, the funny, carefree, giving, sweet you who has so much to offer and it's time you start spending time with her. It's time for you to start to rebuild you and it's time you started to loving you.
Sounds simple right? But in truth old habits die hard and when you're totally exhausted from your fight for survival, you have little energy left to re-build anything let alone the broken and complex human that you’ve become.
But, by spending the time and energy investing in re-building you, you'll be opening the path for your future self, and she is ready and waiting to start living a life of peace and calm. A life of confidence and one of feeling enough. This transition takes time and it takes work but it is so what you need to do to enable feelings of contentment in just being the amazing you.
After my divorces, I felt truly lost, totally depleted and almost childlike in my way of thinking. I was angry and resentful, kicking out at those around me, frustrated and empty. I was a smaller, lesser version of who I used to be. I picked fault in myself all the time, and started to become reclusive as life seemed just too damn hard.
It felt like my life had started playing out in slow motion and that I would never be happy, or myself again. Anxiety took over and out of sheer exhaustion I followed its lead and handed myself over to what I felt was to be my new life forever. An anxious life with constant and all-consuming feelings of failure and resentment. A life I just wanted to be over.
When you are feeling all of these massively heavy weights in your life you can truly believe that the pain will never lift, that you will forever be carrying the weight of this bastard divorce.
I'm here to tell you it does change and that you can feel better. Life does open up again and you can totally love yourself and the world around you, carefree and only moving forward, not hanging around in the pain of your past.
But, I realised that I couldn't have done it alone, and once I had accepted that I started to look around to see who could help me, who would support me, nurture me, guide me and help to make me whole again (throwback to Atomic Kitten).
When you surround yourself with others who 'get it', others who are able to empathise without sympathising, and others who can help you see past all the shit you’re in and see the light, your life opens up to you and you can start your journey towards a calmer, more fulfilling and freeing future feeling stronger and more confident in who you are than ever before.
Personal growth is a hugely enriching experience, a stark contrast from the experience you’re currently living it. It’s exciting, it’s freeing, it’s warm and it’s full. It takes your thoughts away from the shit anxiety filled doom you feel today, and into the happy and exciting next chapter. It gives you confidence and control in your thoughts and feelings and it opens way to a more positive life.
Seek out your positive life.